Letter from the past

So, I have been dealing with this whole storage space situation for several weeks now. Today, I went over to transfer the contents of some boxes into other containers as the boxes were old and squashed from the weight of 10+ years and other boxes that were old and squashed resting on top of them.

As I opened a big box that had been in the far back corner on the bottom (the last box I could get to when the space was full), I saw a bunch of spiral notebooks from when I was in college...and as I pulled them out, a thought occurred to me that I might find the notebook I had been searching for for many years - one I hoped to find and one I was afraid to find.

I found it.

It is a simple black spiral notebook. If you knew me at all, you would know that the color, in and of itself, is unusual for me. All the other notebooks were purple or had unicorn pictures or other designs on them, or at the very least, they were colored and had a bunch of notes to myself written on the cover. Not this one. Just plain black.

There were a bunch of loose pages in the front, but I was not interested in those. I turned to the very first page (also unusual for me to write on the first page - I always wanted a page or two blank in the front for privacy..if someone picked it up, they might not read it if it looked blank).

"Thursday, June 26, 1986 (technically June 27 at 12:09am)

The doctor told Roby he has AIDS. He called him at work and told him over the phone. Roby called me. He was crying so hard he could hardly talk. I picked him up from work. I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to say or how to act. All I wanted was to take him in my arms and hug all his pain away. But I couldn't. I felt a huge wall between us. I tried to put my arm around him, but he seemed to move away. I feel numb. I didn't cry until he told Jenny (M.) and Susan. I felt like I had to be strong. Susan fell apart and sobbed. Later in her apartment, she and I talked. I cried and she somehow knew that I needed for her to tell me it was okay. We talked for awhile. Roby loves her so much. So do I. Even Jenny and I talked. She held me when I cried and held my hand for a while. I felt as if we were friends just then.

I don't know how to feel. This has got to be a mistake. It has to be. I know this is selfish, but I don't want to lose him, I can't. Not now. Not ever."

I remember that I went to bed right after I wrote that. I put the notebook in my nightstand and turned off the lights. Later, my mother came home and checked on me as I was rarely in bed that early. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and closed my door after I assured her that I was ok.

The night that changed my whole life.